Why Some Acts of “Help” Leave You Feeling Trapped Instead of Supported?
Is It Love or Is It Control?
Have you ever received help that left you with a strange, unsettling feeling—almost like a bad aftertaste or even the heebie-jeebies?
It turns out, not all help is created equal.
In fact, there’s a huge difference between helping as an act of love and “helping” as an act of control. The distinction lies in the motivation behind it—and it’s one you can feel deeply, whether you realize it or not. Let’s explore the two sides of this coin together.
Helping as an Act of Love
True help is born out of love—unconditional, pure, and free of strings.
It’s the kind of help that says: “I’m here for you because I care, not because I expect anything in return.” This kinda of help feels warm, genuine, and uplifting. It’s selfless, offering support without judgment or hidden motives.
It might be a friend lending a hand during tough times or a stranger’s random act of kindness. These moments leave a positive mark on us, and we walk away feeling seen, valued and cared for.
“Helping” as an Act of Control
On the other hand, there’s help that comes with conditions, a tinge of superiority, or even martyrdom. This type of “help” might feel and/or sound like:
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
“You owe me for this.”
“If it weren’t for me, you’d never…”
Instead of making you feel supported, it leaves you feeling uneasy. That’s because this type of help isn’t about love—it’s about control. It’s about asserting dominance, feeding someone’s ego, or securing leverage over you.
How to Tell the Difference?
The key to recognizing the difference lies in how the help makes you feel.
True acts of love leave you feeling free, appreciated, and empowered while acts of control often leave you feeling uneasy, indebted, or even trapped. (Do not underestimate our instinct's ability to pick up cues before our intellect can register!)
Genuine love uplifts and strengthens; control weighs you down and diminishes your sense of autonomy.
How to avoid the "control trap"?
Welp, if you’re the one offering help, ask yourself this:
Am I doing this to give, or am I doing this to get?
In short, check your intentions—make sure your actions come from a place of love and empowerment rather than wanting to exert some sort of control and/or indebtedness... (unless you choose to be a manipulative asshole.)
Genuine help doesn’t expect a return, it is not an "investment of returns"—it’s given freely, with no strings attached, and the receiver can walk away without indebtedness.
So the next time you find yourself helping—or being helped—take your time and ask:
Is this an act of love or an act of control? One uplifts, while the other… well, you know the feeling.
Heebie-jeebies and all.
Stay true.
DeryaSefer