Healing Without Permission: Owning Your Story, Your Way

Many of us have faced moments that shook us—moments that changed us. The pain, the loss, the sheer unfairness of it all can leave us stuck in a cycle of "why me?" It’s a natural and valid response, but it’s not where the story has to end.

Real transformation begins when we start asking a new question: What now?

The Stories We Tell Ourselves Shape Our Reality

It’s easy to focus on what was done to us, the harm we’ve endured, the injustices we’ve faced. And that focus is absolutely necessary—it’s how we name the harm, recognize patterns, and validate our pain. But while the victim narrative helps us acknowledge our wounds, it’s not meant to be our final destination. Staying in that mindset too long keeps us trapped in what we can’t control: other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The shift from victim to survivor is where we reclaim our power. It’s about asking:

• What can I do now?
• What do I want?
• How do I want to live?
• What is within my control?

1) Recognize the Difference Between a Victim and a Survivor Narrative

The victim narrative isn’t inherently bad—it’s part of healing. It gives us space to process, to sit with what happened. But healing is not passive acceptance. Acceptance isn’t "just take it and shut up"—it’s seeing things clearly, without denial or distortion. And once we see clearly, we can begin to shift.

Moving into the survivor mindset means asking: Now that I understand what went wrong, what can I do with this knowledge?

2) Rewrite the Story You Tell Yourself

In the victim narrative, our story centers on what was taken from us. In the survivor narrative, our story is about what we create.

Instead of, "I am broken because of what happened," we shift to:

• I am able to ______ despite ______.
• I am able to ______ because of ______.

This isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about reclaiming your narrative and shifting thought patterns toward growth and resilience.

3) Stop Waiting for Closure from Others

We crave acknowledgment, apologies, explanations—some kind of validation that what happened was real. But many of the people who caused our pain either won’t or can’t give us the closure we seek.

So instead of chasing external closure, we turn inward:

• What does peace look like to me?
• What steps can I take to bring more of that peace into my life?
• Do I need to cut certain people out?
• How can I nurture my own strength?

Closure isn’t something granted—it’s something we create for ourselves.

4) Take Your Power Back

What happened to you wasn’t your fault. But healing? That’s yours to own.

This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to "move on" overnight. Some days, just getting out of bed is a victory. Other days, you might feel ready to try something new—or just rest. And that’s okay.

Healing isn’t about doing it alone. Therapy, self-reflection, and healthy habits are tools, not obligations. Progress isn’t linear, and there’s no deadline for healing. You get to move at your own pace.

5) Find Meaning in Your Pain

Pain and abuse weren’t things we chose. They don’t inherently hold meaning—until we decide to create meaning from them.

This doesn’t mean romanticizing suffering. It means asking: What did I learn? How has this shaped me? What strengths did I uncover in the process? Maybe you’ve developed an incredible ability to detect red flags. Maybe you’ve become a safe space for others navigating similar struggles. Maybe you’re still figuring it out, and that’s okay too.

6) Celebrate Your Resilience

Self-help culture often markets resilience as something external—something to strive for, something only the "highly evolved" achieve. But resilience isn’t granted by a guru or a program. It’s already in you.

The victim narrative highlights what’s broken, and too often, the self-help industry capitalizes on this, keeping people trapped in cycles of self-doubt. But here’s the truth: You are not broken.

How do we know? Because you’re here. You’re seeking a way forward. That alone is proof of your strength.

You survived things that could have shattered you. And recognizing that survival is the key to shifting your narrative from pain to power.

So, how do you celebrate your resilience? That’s up to you. Maybe it’s doing something meaningful for yourself. Maybe it’s simply taking a deep breath and recognizing how far you've come. The act of acknowledgment itself is a celebration.

Every step forward—no matter how small—is evidence of your strength. If you've come this far, you’ve already been moving forward.

And if you have people who support you, let them celebrate with you.

You survived something that was meant to break you. That alone is worth celebrating.

You are doing great. So fucking proud of you.

Derya Sefer